About Ilona

     I’m a big President J.F. Kennedy fan, have been since my Freshman year in college. I remember the actual day it all began, the class. We were in World History, Randy, Bruce and me, large lecture hall, maybe four, five hundred students, way up in the last row, center section. Randy was sitting between me and Bruce. This was before Randy and Ilona Birch broke up. He was obsessed with Ilona. Actually, so was I, but then, everybody was obsessed with Ilona, I found out later. As far as I could tell, the lecture that day was sort of about a war. The lecturer was a tightly wrinkled old lady, Professor somebody.

   So we’re in the lecture and Bruce, Randy and me are really trying to stay listening, but it’s so hard. Not just the boredom, Randy keeps whispering stuff about Ilona and since I’m obsessed with Ilona, I’m mostly listening to him. So’s Bruce.

   “So we’re making out for a while. Ilona’s an unbelievable kisser.” Randy’s telling 

us in hushed tones for obvious reasons.

   And Bruce and me on either side of him: “Uh-huh.” We’re keeping our voices down too.

   So I’m trying to listen to the lecture and scratch some notes while waiting for more details about Ilona and Randy.

   Then Randy goes “And then my foot started killing me.”

   “From last week’s game?” Bruce asks.

   “Probably.” says Randy.

   “Uh-huh.” I say.

   We refocus and scratch some more lecture notes. It was 
clear to me now that the lecture definitely involved some 
kind of an international shoot-em-up.

   “But I don’t know.” Randy continues.

   “About the foot?” I inquire.

   “About Ilona. I think she’s great, you know.”

   Bruce and I: “Uh-huh.”

   We’re all three whispering, which was a major challenge but absolutely necessary under the circumstances.

   “She’s great, but…”

   He hesitates.

   “She’s a great kisser?” I was trying to keep Randy on topic.

   At the same time I was beginning to suspect America was possibly involved in the conflict that was probably what the lecture could have been about.

   Then Bruce says “A neutered country”…?” and he elbows Randy. “A neutered country?” 

   I that what she said? What’s that mean?”

   And Randy: “What?”

   And Bruce: “A neutered country.”

   And Randy: “What about it?”

   “What’s that mean?”

   “How should I know?”

   “Well, that’s what she said.”

   "Who said? Ilona?”

   “Her.” He’s pointing at the old lady blabbing down front.

   And Randy: “Oh her.”

   And Bruce: “A neutered country… How’s that possible?”

   Bruce: “It isn’t.”

   Randy: “It isn’t?”

   Bruce: “Too many pets.”

   Randy: “She said it was.”

   Bruce: “Who?”

   Randy: “Her.”

   Bruce: “Ilona? So what do you care?”

   Randy. “No, HER.” He’s pointing down at the wrinkle bag 
again.

   Bruce: “Oh, HER. Hold on. I’ll be right back.”

   So he turns to me.

   “Hey, a neutered country, what’s that?”

   And I’m like “A neutered country? What?”

   And he goes “How can a country be neutered?”

   And I’m like “Who says they can?”

   And he’s like “He says she said it.”

   And I’m like “Who said it?”

   And he’s like “Him.”

   Then I’m like “So what do you care?”

   And he goes “No, no. He says SHE said it.”

   And I go “Ilona? So what?”

   And he goes “No, HER.” He’s pointing down at the blabbing sack.

   And I’m like “Oh HER.”

   And he’s like “I’ve heard of electrons being neutered, but—"

   And then I remembered “Wasn’t Switzerland neutered 
during the war?”

   And he’s all glad. “Oh that’s right! Yeah...”

   So he turns back to Bruce.

   “Switzerland, during the war.”

   And Bruce has lost track of the subject.

   Randy explains. “It was neutered.”

   I remind him. “By the Germans.”

   He passes this information on to Bruce. “By the Germans.”

   Bruce is grateful.

   “Switzerland. Oh, O.K. During the war. Great, thanks. 
During what war?”

   Randy says “Hold on. I’ll be right back.”

   And he turns back toward me.

   “During what war?”

   “Uh…” I had to think about it. “The Big One.”

   Randy: “Civil?”

   Me: “You bet.”

   He turns back to Bruce.

   “Civil.”

   Well, Bruce is blown away.

   “Civil? Switzerland was neutered during the Civil War?”

   Randy: “Well, things didn’t come to a halt all over the globe 
just cause a few American Patriots were having our little red, white and blue ass-wipe with the slaves! I’m sure all the country…” He was searching for just the right word.“… vets 
were still neutering in areas that wanted to change their 
national image…”

   Bruce, ever skeptical: “You sure?”

   Randy, back to me: “You sure?”

   Me: “That’s what she said.”

   Randy: “Ilona? How would she know?”

   And I’m like “No, HER.” I’m pointing at Our Lady of 
Burlap.

   Randy: “Oh, HER.”

   He turns back to Bruce.

   “He said that’s what she said.”

   And Bruce: “Who?”

   And Randy: “Him.”

   He’s pointing at me. But I’m not paying attention cause I’m trying to take lecture notes. Somebody had to.

   “He’s sure?” asks Bruce.

   Randy answers: “He says that’s what she said.”

   And Bruce is like “Ilona?”

   And Randy’s all “No, HER.” He’s pointing at Professor 
Scrunchy down front.

   And Bruce: “Oh HER. O.K. Thanks.”

   And Randy’s like “No problem.”

   Meanwhile I’m giving this some deep thought.

   “Boy, those Germans weren’t satisfied with Jews and Palestinians, they had to go after poor defenseless dogs and cats too, huh?”

   Ok, so now we’re all back listening to Professor Dustbunny and scratching some more notes.

   But Randy’s still like “So, Ilona’s sexier 'n shit, but…”

   And I’m like “You’re still young. There’s other fish to fry in the lake.”

   But Bruce is all “If I were you, I’d shag her pronto and often!”

   And Randy’s still “I don’t know.”

   So I go “Isn’t Ilona a German name?”

   This obviously shakes Randy up.

   “It is?” He looks worried. “I thought it was French.” Randy’s not the sharpest tool in your wallet.

   So now we’re still taking notes and listening to Professor Peach Cobbler and taking more notes. But I can feel that Randy’s lost in thought. Or at least as close as he comes. And then we’re interrupted again by Bruce.

   “Wow… Hmm… Hey, I didn’t know that. Did you?” he asks Randy, of all people.

   And Randy’s like “Huh?”

   And Bruce’s like “I didn’t know President Kennedy was a 
heroic war vet!”

   Randy isn’t seeing the implications.

   And Bruce is like “He must’ve been one of the vets that went 
in and reversed the Swiss neuterings. Think of how many Americans who know what to do with an Animal scalpel must have been needed.”

   Now Randy’s catching on. “Ohhhhh. On D-Day?”

   Bruce fills in the detail. “To pay back the Swiss for their sacrifice.” And then he’s like: “What’s the D stand for again?”

   So Randy elbows me. Who else.

   “Hey, what’s the D in D-Day?”

   And I’m not sure.

   Bruce: “Dry?”

   Randy: “Why would they have a Dry-Day?”

   Bruce: “Maybe it didn’t rain?”

   Randy: “They would’ve just called it Dry-Day then.”

   Bruce: “Well, there’s lots of dry days, but there was only one 
D-Day. With so many  hospitals destroyed during the Big One, they must’ve had to wait for a super dry day--"
   "To perform the reversals on all those neuterings.”

   So Randy’s like “I don’t think that’s dirty enough.”

   To which Bruce replies “Dirty? What’s dirty got to do with 
it?”

   Randy explains. “You know. Like A-hole or Son-of-a –B, or 
D-Day…”

   “Maybe it was Dildo-Day.”

   And Randy’s like “You mean because of all the neuterings?”

   Now Bruce has a theory.

   “How ‘bout Do-It-Day?”

   Suddenly out of the blue, Randy exclaims “Wait, I 
remember!”

   And Bruce and I are like “What?”

   And Randy reports his finding.

   “Doubleday. I think the pet population doubled on that date because of the reversals.”

   Well, Randy and I write that one down!

   But Randy’s still tortured. “I don’t know about Ilona.”

   And Bruce says “Kennedy was a physical therapist too, if I remember correctly.”

   And I’m like “How come?”

   And Bruce says “He wrote a book called PT 106. We were supposed to read it last year.”

   And Randy “Probably the number of Swiss he physically therapized per day.”

   And all this is starting to sink in with me. So I’m like “Geez, Kennedy was a vet, a hero and a physical therapist!”

   And Randy’s like “The guy was a regular one-stop 
convenience!”

   And me: “No wonder he got elected President.”

   And Randy: “Surprising he didn’t get elected President of Switzerland.”

   And Bruce: “It was really good of the Swiss to sign up their animals in order to free the slaves.”

   And Randy’s like: “I wouldn’t have!”

   And I’m like “Me neither!”

   And Randy’s like “ I don’t care if it was triple or quadruple 
day!”

   And Bruce: “Gives you new respect for the Swiss Miss 
don’t it?”

   So we kinda settle back into listening to Madam Furball 
for a bit.

   Then Randy says “There’s other fish in the river.”

   And I’m like: “Ilona Guttenberg.”

   And Randy’s like “No, her last name is Birch.”

And me: “Oh, I was just mumbling to myself.”

   And then Bruce’s ear picks up a detail that really sets him off.

   “Bay of Pigs Operation in Cuba?”

   And Randy: “You mean…”

   And I’m like “The damn Germans neutered the Pigs in Cuba too…”

   And Randy’s like “God, Kennedy really had his hands full...”

   Well, that’s about all I can remember. But starting on that day, I became a History buff. And Kennedy especially. Ironic, isn’t it, that the thing between me and History began in a class that I got a D-plus in. But what I learned that day was that History isn’t a huge ten-thousand-page mass of factual events. It’s like girls or beer, you can have opinions about it.  Like with the Kennedy assassination. I’m convinced that that was his Presidential Stunt Double in the car with Jackie. President Kennedy was doing Amelia Earhart in the South Pacific. If you were President, wouldn’t you? Think about it.