About Ilona

     I’m a big President J.F. Kennedy fan, have been since my Freshman year in college. I remember the actual day it all began, the class. We were in World History, Randy, Bruce and me, large lecture hall, maybe four, five hundred students, way up in the last row, center section. Randy was sitting between me and Bruce. This was before Randy and Ilona Birch broke up. He was obsessed with Ilona. Actually, so was I, but then, everybody was obsessed with Ilona, I found out later. As far as I could tell, the lecture that day was sort of about a war. The lecturer was a tightly wrinkled old lady, Professor somebody.

   So we’re in the lecture and Bruce, Randy and me are really trying to stay listening, but it’s so hard. Not just the boredom, Randy keeps whispering stuff about Ilona and since I’m obsessed with Ilona, I’m mostly listening to him. So’s Bruce.

   “So we’re making out for a while. Ilona’s an unbelievable kisser.” Randy’s telling 

us in hushed tones for obvious reasons.

   And Bruce and me on either side of him: “Uh-huh.” We’re keeping our voices down too.

   So I’m trying to listen to the lecture and scratch some notes while waiting for more details about Ilona and Randy.

   Then Randy goes “And then my foot started killing me.”

   “From last week’s game?” Bruce asks.

   “Probably.” says Randy.

   “Uh-huh.” I say.

   We refocus and scratch some more lecture notes. It was 
clear to me now that the lecture definitely involved some 
kind of an international shoot-em-up.

   “But I don’t know.” Randy continues.

   “About the foot?” I inquire.

   “About Ilona. I think she’s great, you know.”

   Bruce and I: “Uh-huh.”

   We’re all three whispering, which was a major challenge but absolutely necessary under the circumstances.

   “She’s great, but…”

   He hesitates.

   “She’s a great kisser?” I was trying to keep Randy on topic.

   At the same time I was beginning to suspect America was possibly involved in the conflict that was probably what the lecture could have been about.

   Then Bruce says “A neutered country”…?” and he elbows Randy. “A neutered country?” 

   I that what she said? What’s that mean?”

   And Randy: “What?”

   And Bruce: “A neutered country.”

   And Randy: “What about it?”

   “What’s that mean?”

   “How should I know?”

   “Well, that’s what she said.”

   "Who said? Ilona?”

   “Her.” He’s pointing at the old lady blabbing down front.

   And Randy: “Oh her.”

   And Bruce: “A neutered country… How’s that possible?”

   Bruce: “It isn’t.”

   Randy: “It isn’t?”

   Bruce: “Too many pets.”

   Randy: “She said it was.”

   Bruce: “Who?”

   Randy: “Her.”

   Bruce: “Ilona? So what do you care?”

   Randy. “No, HER.” He’s pointing down at the wrinkle bag 
again.

   Bruce: “Oh, HER. Hold on. I’ll be right back.”

   So he turns to me.

   “Hey, a neutered country, what’s that?”

   And I’m like “A neutered country? What?”

   And he goes “How can a country be neutered?”

   And I’m like “Who says they can?”

   And he’s like “He says she said it.”

   And I’m like “Who said it?”

   And he’s like “Him.”

   Then I’m like “So what do you care?”

   And he goes “No, no. He says SHE said it.”

   And I go “Ilona? So what?”

   And he goes “No, HER.” He’s pointing down at the blabbing sack.

   And I’m like “Oh HER.”

   And he’s like “I’ve heard of electrons being neutered, but—"

   And then I remembered “Wasn’t Switzerland neutered 
during the war?”

   And he’s all glad. “Oh that’s right! Yeah...”

   So he turns back to Bruce.

   “Switzerland, during the war.”

   And Bruce has lost track of the subject.

   Randy explains. “It was neutered.”

   I remind him. “By the Germans.”

   He passes this information on to Bruce. “By the Germans.”

   Bruce is grateful.

   “Switzerland. Oh, O.K. During the war. Great, thanks. 
During what war?”

   Randy says “Hold on. I’ll be right back.”

   And he turns back toward me.

   “During what war?”

   “Uh…” I had to think about it. “The Big One.”

   Randy: “Civil?”

   Me: “You bet.”

   He turns back to Bruce.

   “Civil.”

   Well, Bruce is blown away.

   “Civil? Switzerland was neutered during the Civil War?”

   Randy: “Well, things didn’t come to a halt all over the globe 
just cause a few American Patriots were having our little red, white and blue ass-wipe with the slaves! I’m sure all the country…” He was searching for just the right word.“… vets 
were still neutering in areas that wanted to change their 
national image…”

   Bruce, ever skeptical: “You sure?”

   Randy, back to me: “You sure?”

   Me: “That’s what she said.”

   Randy: “Ilona? How would she know?”

   And I’m like “No, HER.” I’m pointing at Our Lady of 
Burlap.

   Randy: “Oh, HER.”

   He turns back to Bruce.

   “He said that’s what she said.”

   And Bruce: “Who?”

   And Randy: “Him.”

   He’s pointing at me. But I’m not paying attention cause I’m trying to take lecture notes. Somebody had to.

   “He’s sure?” asks Bruce.

   Randy answers: “He says that’s what she said.”

   And Bruce is like “Ilona?”

   And Randy’s all “No, HER.” He’s pointing at Professor 
Scrunchy down front.

   And Bruce: “Oh HER. O.K. Thanks.”

   And Randy’s like “No problem.”

   Meanwhile I’m giving this some deep thought.

   “Boy, those Germans weren’t satisfied with Jews and Palestinians, they had to go after poor defenseless dogs and cats too, huh?”

   Ok, so now we’re all back listening to Professor Dustbunny and scratching some more notes.

   But Randy’s still like “So, Ilona’s sexier 'n shit, but…”

   And I’m like “You’re still young. There’s other fish to fry in the lake.”

   But Bruce is all “If I were you, I’d shag her pronto and often!”

   And Randy’s still “I don’t know.”

   So I go “Isn’t Ilona a German name?”

   This obviously shakes Randy up.

   “It is?” He looks worried. “I thought it was French.” Randy’s not the sharpest tool in your wallet.

   So now we’re still taking notes and listening to Professor Peach Cobbler and taking more notes. But I can feel that Randy’s lost in thought. Or at least as close as he comes. And then we’re interrupted again by Bruce.

   “Wow… Hmm… Hey, I didn’t know that. Did you?” he asks Randy, of all people.

   And Randy’s like “Huh?”

   And Bruce’s like “I didn’t know President Kennedy was a 
heroic war vet!”

   Randy isn’t seeing the implications.

   And Bruce is like “He must’ve been one of the vets that went 
in and reversed the Swiss neuterings. Think of how many Americans who know what to do with an Animal scalpel must have been needed.”

   Now Randy’s catching on. “Ohhhhh. On D-Day?”

   Bruce fills in the detail. “To pay back the Swiss for their sacrifice.” And then he’s like: “What’s the D stand for again?”

   So Randy elbows me. Who else.

   “Hey, what’s the D in D-Day?”

   And I’m not sure.

   Bruce: “Dry?”

   Randy: “Why would they have a Dry-Day?”

   Bruce: “Maybe it didn’t rain?”

   Randy: “They would’ve just called it Dry-Day then.”

   Bruce: “Well, there’s lots of dry days, but there was only one 
D-Day. With so many  hospitals destroyed during the Big One, they must’ve had to wait for a super dry day--"
   "To perform the reversals on all those neuterings.”

   So Randy’s like “I don’t think that’s dirty enough.”

   To which Bruce replies “Dirty? What’s dirty got to do with 
it?”

   Randy explains. “You know. Like A-hole or Son-of-a –B, or 
D-Day…”

   “Maybe it was Dildo-Day.”

   And Randy’s like “You mean because of all the neuterings?”

   Now Bruce has a theory.

   “How ‘bout Do-It-Day?”

   Suddenly out of the blue, Randy exclaims “Wait, I 
remember!”

   And Bruce and I are like “What?”

   And Randy reports his finding.

   “Doubleday. I think the pet population doubled on that date because of the reversals.”

   Well, Randy and I write that one down!

   But Randy’s still tortured. “I don’t know about Ilona.”

   And Bruce says “Kennedy was a physical therapist too, if I remember correctly.”

   And I’m like “How come?”

   And Bruce says “He wrote a book called PT 106. We were supposed to read it last year.”

   And Randy “Probably the number of Swiss he physically therapized per day.”

   And all this is starting to sink in with me. So I’m like “Geez, Kennedy was a vet, a hero and a physical therapist!”

   And Randy’s like “The guy was a regular one-stop 
convenience!”

   And me: “No wonder he got elected President.”

   And Randy: “Surprising he didn’t get elected President of Switzerland.”

   And Bruce: “It was really good of the Swiss to sign up their animals in order to free the slaves.”

   And Randy’s like: “I wouldn’t have!”

   And I’m like “Me neither!”

   And Randy’s like “ I don’t care if it was triple or quadruple 
day!”

   And Bruce: “Gives you new respect for the Swiss Miss 
don’t it?”

   So we kinda settle back into listening to Madam Furball 
for a bit.

   Then Randy says “There’s other fish in the river.”

   And I’m like: “Ilona Guttenberg.”

   And Randy’s like “No, her last name is Birch.”

And me: “Oh, I was just mumbling to myself.”

   And then Bruce’s ear picks up a detail that really sets him off.

   “Bay of Pigs Operation in Cuba?”

   And Randy: “You mean…”

   And I’m like “The damn Germans neutered the Pigs in Cuba too…”

   And Randy’s like “God, Kennedy really had his hands full...”

   Well, that’s about all I can remember. But starting on that day, I became a History buff. And Kennedy especially. Ironic, isn’t it, that the thing between me and History began in a class that I got a D-plus in. But what I learned that day was that History isn’t a huge ten-thousand-page mass of factual events. It’s like girls or beer, you can have opinions about it.  Like with the Kennedy assassination. I’m convinced that that was his Presidential Stunt Double in the car with Jackie. President Kennedy was doing Amelia Earhart in the South Pacific. If you were President, wouldn’t you? Think about it.

Bridge

A center section of a suspension bridge. The sound of wind. A grey day. Sounds of frequent passing vehicles. 


Carl Morgan appears. He's soaked, drunk, lumbering, dazed.  He stops, leans back against the bridge, eyes to the sky. He remains frozen.  


Enter a pedestrian with an umbrella. He stops a few feet away, obviously there to enjoy the view. He notices Morgan looking up.

Pedestrian: Ball and Canilevre? (Pause. He glances up.) The crossings? Yeah, that had me wonderin' too! (Eyes still raised) If you follow those two core bars along the pockets, you'll see the scissor guards. See it? (He walks over to Morgan better to point where he's looking.) See 'em?

Carl Morgan (startled): What? Huh?

Morgan turns downstage. His haggard appearance is shocking.

Pedestrian: Oh, I was just pointing out the scissor guards.

Carl Morgan: The scissor...? Oh, on the bridge, yeah.


Pedestrian: You an admirer too, huh? You don't see too many as simple as this beauty. There's one in Youngstown, Ohio. Bet you never--

Carl Morgan: The Orrington Span.

Pedestrian: Same designer, I believe.

Carl Morgan and Pedestrian: Samuels.

Pedestrian: Yeah, Samuels invented the length versus

Carl Morgan: weight-bearing

Pedestrian: scissors guard

Carl Morgan: clip construction.

Pedestrian: Yeah.

Carl Morgan: Uh-huh.

Pedestrian: Love it up here! Huh?

Pause. Morgan takes a swig from a bottle.

Pedestrian: View's not bad either!

Pause. Both gazing: Pedestrian out, Morgan straight down.

Pedestrian: Hate to think that people choose to end their lives up here. Such a beautiful place. Know what I mean? An elegant bridge is meant to support people, not...

Carl Morgan: Drop 'em.

Pedestrian: Yeah. (Pause.) Hey look! See that spotted seal down there bobbin'? Don't see too many of them this time of year! Cute!... Is that what that is? It's swimmin' kinda funny for a seal!... Zat a dolphin? Can you tell? My distance vision isn't... (He puts on his glasses.) Oh Christ! Zat a person? 'I think it's a little girl! Is she drowning?

Carl Morgan: What?

Pedestrian: Look! Right out there! It's a child!

Morgan pulls off his shoes and pants and dives.

P.I. The Quiz Show!

P. I.

 The Quiz Show!

Musical Theme.

Moderator

Good evening, Ladies and Gentlemen, and welcome to  "P.I., The Quiz Show" from KQED television in San Francisco. Glad you could join us. As you know, each week, here on “P.I” a panel of celebrities and professional investigators do their best to find their man or woman. I'm your moderator Martin Short. Let's meet tonight's panel of Celebrity Investigators. (Music)  Investigator number 1, would you check in please!

Voice of Celebrity Investigator no. 1

I’ve been a serious journalist for 50 years. How did I end up a panelist on a quiz show?! 

Moderator

Ladies and Gentlemen, a National Treasure, Mr. Bill Moyers!

Lights up on Bill Moyers at the Celebrity Panelists' desk.

Moderator

Investigator no. 2, would you please check in!

Voice of Celebrity Investigator no. 2

My mind still believes I could win one more at Wimbledon! Now if my knees just agreed!

Moderator

Ladies and Gentlemen, one of the greatest tennis players of all time, Martina Navratilova.

Lights up on Martina Navratilova at the Celebrity Panelists' desk.

Moderator

Investigator no. 3, would you please check in.

Voice of Celebrity Investigator no. 3

Hi, my name’s Sam. Sam I am.

Moderator

True, his name is Sam, and he’s a Pullitzer Prize winning playwright and actor. Ladies and Gentlemen, Mr. Sam Shepard!

Lights up on Sam Shepard at the celebrity panelists' desk.

Moderator

Thank you, all three, for being here tonight. As you know, we’re all here, as we are every week at this time, for two very noble purposes. This first is to have some real fun ourselves and provide some fun for our audience here and out there in T.V. land. And our second reason for being here is to make some serious money for Public Broadcasting. As a matter of fact, not to blow our own horn, but the success of P.I., which is now in it’s seventh season, has meant that our stations have been able to reduce pledge drives down to one per year. That’s thanks to our viewing audience and the willingness of people like Bill Moyers, like Martina Navratilova, like Sam Shepard to donate their time. We thank you. (Audience applause.) As always, the fourth member of our panel is you at home. We hope you’ll play along. We always recommend having a pencil and paper nearby as you’ll probably want to jot notes while you gather evidence and build a hypothesis. Is everybody ready to play? Good. Let's play "P.I".

Audience applause. Musical Theme.

Moderator

Celebrity Investigators, tonight you are trying to identify a man named Carl Morgan. We have assembled three suspects and lined them up for you to take a good look at. One of these three men is the real Carl Morgan. Your challenge, along with the people watching at home, is to figure out which one is the real Carl Morgan. Good luck. Here are the three suspects in the line up.

Music. Camera on three men standing side by side behind a glass wall. The backdrop  is a whimsical version of a police line-up setting.

Moderator

Suspect A. (close-up of Suspect A) He is five feet ten inches tall and weighs one hundred and fifty-eight pounds.

Suspect B. (close-up of Suspect B). He is five feet seven inches tall and weighs one hundred and ninety pounds.

Suspect C. (close-up of Suspect C) He is six feet four inches tall and weighs two hundred pounds.

Lady and Gentlemen Investigators, let's proceed now to Stage One of your investigation. The "Self-Portrait". You will now hear the real Carl Morgan describing himself in his own words. This was prerecorded on tape. It was not scripted. These are his actual words as he spoke them extemporaneously. Listen carefully and try to assess whether this is Suspect A’s voice (close-up of Suspect A) or Suspect number B’s voice (close-up of B) or Suspect C’s voice (close-up of him). In addition to paying attention to the qualities of their voices, take careful note of the manner in which Carl Morgan expresses himelf: his vocabulary, his outlook, his attitude. These will be important in later stages of the investigation. Could we roll that tape please.

Voice of Carl Morgan 

camera on three suspects

"Hello, I'm Carl Morgan. I'm 45 years old. I grew up in Arlington, Texas. (close-up of Suspect A) Today I'm married and I'm a firefighter in Lincoln, Nebraska. I have two girls, ages 12 and 10. I like to play softball and go fishing on my days off. (close-up of Suspect B) My girls like to fish with me. My wife hates fishing, I'm sorry to say, but she cooks a mean trout filet. We've been pretty happily married for thirteen years. (close-up of Suspect C) Last January, while I was ice fishing at the Missouri river, which some people hate, but I love, I heard a cry for help and I saw a body floating down the river about fifty yards away from the bridge where I was. (camera on three suspects) I jumped in and fortunately I was able to save the life of a six-year-old girl. I got to admit, it was quite a way to spend my one day off!"

Audience applause.

Moderator

Now, Investigators, you have heard the self-portrait of the real Carl Morgan. You have gained some familiarity with the actual voice of Carl Morgan. Here's your first chance to form a hypothesis. Can you match that self-portrait, that voice, with one of the three Suspects whom you see before you? Whose voice did you just hear? Is it Suspect A (close up of him), Suspect B (close up of him) or Suspect C (close up of him)?

Viewing audience at home, you too may now vote. Please call the number on your screen that corresponds to your choice. As always, each call costs you one dollar which goes directly and 100% to Public Broadcasting. If you believe that Suspect A is Carl Morgan, then dial the first number on your screen. If you believe Suspect B is Carl Morgan, dial the second number. If you believe Suspect C is Carl Morgan, dial the third number. Your vote will be recorded automatically.

On screen:

            To vote for Suspect A: (555) 555-8401

            To vote for Suspect B: (555) 555-8402

            To vote for Suspect C: (555) 555-8403

Music. The Celebrity Investigators press button A, B, or C. On the screen, we see the results of their first selections , as follows.

Investigators           Self-Portrait     

B. Moyers..........         A           

M. Navratilova...        C           

S. Shepard..........        B                       

Moderator

By the way, our Celebrity Investigators cannot see each other's selections. Only you at home, audience, can see these results. By the way, you have three minutes to call in your vote.

Later in the show, I’ll reveal the incredible prize that will be won by five lucky T.V. viewers tonight. In order to be eligible for tonight’s prize, you will need to have picked correctly in at least two of our four stages. Good luck.

Now, Celebrity Investigators, comes Stage Two. “The Interrogation”. Here, you have a chance to ask our three suspects a question and to see their answers written in their own handwriting in hopes that their answers as well as that handwriting will shed some useful light on the identity of Carl Morgan.

Bill Moyers, your question for our three Suspects is first.

Bill Moyers

"Mr. Morgan, you hail from Texas as do I. Tell me, where exactly is San Antonio, sir?" 

Music. We see the written answers appear, each on a third of our TV screens. Suspect A writes: "Near the Mexican border." His answer is small and  printed  neatly. Suspect B writes: "Southern Texas –maybe 100 miles from the border" In a slow, lazy cursive, Suspect C writes a terribly sloppy: "South Texas."

Moderator

Where exactly is San Antonio? Suspect A writes: "Near the Mexican border." Suspect B writes: "Southern Texas –maybe 100 miles from the border" Suspect C writes… I think that says: "South Texas." But it it also might say “Eggs and Hashbrowns”.

Audience laughter.

Moderator

Martina Navratilova. Your question for the three suspects, please.

Martina Navratilova

Mr. Morgan, you have two young daughters. So you read to them at bedtime, I assume. So, let me ask you this: What's the name of Winnie the Pooh's best friend?

Music. We see the handwriting appear as before, each on a third of our TV screens. Suspect A writes: "Christopher Robin, of course."  Suspect B writes: "Piggie, if I remember correctly. But its been awhile." Suspect C writes: "Trigger?”

Moderator

What's the name of Winnie the Pooh's best friend? Suspect A writes: "Christopher Robin, of course." Suspect B writes: "Piggie, if I remember correctly. But its been awhile." Suspect C writes: "Trigger?"… or is that “Rye Toast”?)

Audience laughter.

Moderator

By the way, here are the results of our audience’s Stage 1 call-in voting:

On screen:

Audience Voting             Self-Portrait    

Suspect A………           28,043           

Suspect B............          18,986           

Suspect C............            4, 009

                                     $51,038

Moderator

28 thousand of you picked suspect A, 19 thousand picked Suspect B and Suspect C garnered 4 thousand votes. That’s 51,038 dollars that you have generously donated to support the programming here at Public Broadcasting. Thank you. A bit later, I’ll reveal the prize that five of you will win tonight. Remember: in order to be eligible for tonight’s prize, you have to have picked correctly in at least two of the four stages. Good luck.

Back to our game. Sam Shepard. Your question for the three suspects, please.

Sam Shepard

You're a firefighter, Mr. Morgan. Now, when the alarm rings and you're asleep upstairs in the fire station, do you really slide down a pole to get to the firetruck? Is that still the way you do it?

Music. Suspect A writes: "Yes, it's still the most efficient way to descend, and it saves space at the station.”  Suspect B writes: "No, the newer firehouses like ours have stairs. Sorry to disappoint you!"  C writes: "Yep. It's no problem to slide down a pole fully rigged. Just like in the good old days."

Moderator

Do you really slide down a pole to get to the firetruck? Suspect A writes: "Yes, it's still the most efficient way to descend, and it saves space at the station.”  Suspect B writes: "No, the newer firehouses like ours have stairs. Sorry to disappoint you!"  C writes: "Yep. It's no problem to slide down a pole fully rigged. Just like in the good old days."

This ends Stage Two of the Investigation, “The Interrogation”. Celebrity Investigators, and T.V. audience at home, here you have your second chance to pick the actual Carl Morgan. Which handwritten answer is that of Mr. Morgan, the Texas firefighter, hero and father of two? Is it Suspect A, Suspect B or Suspect C? Audience, you too may now make your choice. Every call is worth one dollar to Public Broadcasting. Thank you.

On screen:

            To vote for Suspect A: (555) 555-8401

            To vote for Suspect B: (555) 555-8402

            To vote for Suspect B: (555) 555-8403

If you believe that Suspect A is Carl Morgan, then dial the first number. If you believe Suspect B is Carl Morgan, dial the second number. If you believe Suspect C is Carl Morgan, dial the third number. Your vote will be recorded and charged automatically.

Music. The Celebrity Investigators have pressed button A, B, or C. On the screen, we see the results of their selections as follows.

Investigators          Self-Portrait        Interrogation        

B. Moyers.........         A...........          B

M. Navratilova..         C............         C

S. Shepard............      B............         A

Moderator

Very interesting. The plot thickens. Remember only you, the T.V. viewing audience can see the Celebrity Investigators’ picks.

Now, let's move on to Stage Three. “The Photo Gallery.”

Investigators, you are about to see five series of photographs. The first series will feature each of our Suspects with Carl Morgan's actual wife. Here they are.

Music. We see three photos. Photo A features Suspect A beside Carl Morgan's real wife. Photo B features Suspect B beside the same woman. Photo C features Suspect C beside her.

In this next series, we'll see our three Suspects with Carl Morgan's Lincoln, Nebraska fire crew.

We see three photos. Photo A features Suspect A in a group firefighter photo. Photo B features Suspect B posed with the same group of firefighters. Photo C features Suspect C in the same pose.

In the third series, you'll see our 3 Suspects posed with Carl Morgan's real parents.

We see three photos. Photo A features Suspect A between Carl Morgan's actual mother and father. Photo B features Suspect B between the same two parents. Photo C features Suspect C similarly posed.

Our fourth series shows our Suspects with Carl Morgan's two girls.

We see three photos. Photo A features Suspect A with two girls in soccer uniforms. Photo B features Suspect B with the same two girls. Photo C features Suspect C in the same pose.

Finally, let's take a look at Carl Morgan as a baby set beside each of our Suspects today.

In the middle of our screen appears a baby picture. It is surrounded by shots of the three Suspects.

Let’s glance now at the tote board for Stages 1 and 2.

On screen:

Audience Voting                 Self-Portait       Interrogation            

Suspect A………….     28,043………14, 231

Suspect B................       18,986………19,145

Suspect C................         4, 009……...16,234

                                       51,038            49,610

                                  TOTAL:    $100,648

Look what’s happened. There’s been a real shift of opinion from Stage 1 to Stage 2! And you’ve now given Public Broadcasting over one hundred thousand dollars! Thank you.

Now, take one more look at each photo series.

Here is Suspect A’s series. 

We see a montage of the five Suspect A photos.

Here is Suspect B’s series. 

We see a montage of the five Suspect B photos.

Here is Suspect C’s series.

We see a montage of the five Suspect C photos.

Celebrity Investigators, make your Stage 3 choice carefully. Choose Suspect A, Suspect B or Suspect C now please. TV viewing audience, please so the same. Once again each call costs one dollar which goes to Public Broadcasting. Thank you.

Now let's see the results of our Celebrity Investigators' selections for Stage 3. Remember, they cannot see each others' choices.

On the screen:

Investigators            Self-Portrait     Interrogation       Photo Gallery      

B. Moyers.........        A..........          B……         B

M. Navratilova..        C..........          C……         C

S. Shepard........         B..........          A….            A

Moderator

No change of your opinions there, Investigators.

Let us proceed now to the final Stage, Stage Four, of the Investigation. We call this Stage “Move Over and Let the Pros Handle This”. This is where we bring in the professionals specialists and listen to their testimony. (Shot of Pro Investigator desk where five people are seated) We have five expert witnesses with us tonight: first, Tony Farmer (close-up), a retired voice-recognition expert; second Martha Grey (close-up), a retired graphologist or handwriting expert; third is Harvey Miller (close-up), a retired captain of a fire department; fourth Mary-Ellen Holmes (close-up), a retired police detective; and finally Cleo Alpert (close-up), a retired psychologist. Our experts have been watching and listening. Now let's listen to their opinions.

First, Tony Farmer, voice-recognition expert?

Mr. Farmer 

I strongly doubt that Suspect A is Mr. Morgan (shot of Suspect A). It would be highly unusual for a husky build like his to produce the thin, whispy tones of Mr. Morgan's voice unless he had been ill. Suspect B (shot of Suspect B) has the build most often associated with this sort of vocal quality at the age of 45. However,  I'm tempted to choose Suspect C (shot of Suspect C) because of his sloppy handwriting, (shot of a Suspect C's handwriting sample) which matches the diction that we heard in the self-portrait. It could be B or C, but if I have to choose, I'd choose C. In addition, to my eye, there's a serious resemblance between Suspect C and the two daughters (shot of Suspect C with the two girls). I choose Suspect C.

Moderator

One vote for Candidate C. Thank you. Now to Martha Grey, handwriting expert.

Ms. Grey

Well, I agree that it's not Suspect A (shot of Suspect A). His handwriting is inconsistent from one sample to the next. (shot of Suspect A's handwriting samples) He's faking it. You see how different the T's are? (circles appear around the inconsistent Ts) But I completely disagree with regard to Suspect C! No way is it C! (shot of Suspect C) It's true that his handwriting is sloppy, as is his diction. We agree so far. But look at what he says! "South Texas", (shot of Suspect C's handwriting samples) that's hardly exact. And "Yep". Firefighters don't say "Yep." They're trained to speak to families of victims and to the press. It's got to be Suspect B. (shot of Suspect B) I'd bet my reputation on it. It’s B.

Moderator

That's one vote for C and one for B.

By the way, let’s glance at the tote board for Stages 1, 2 and 3.

(On screen:)

Audience Voting  Self-Portrait  Interrogation  Photo Gallery 

Suspect A…       $28,043     $14, 231    $10,236

Suspect B......     $18,900      $19,145.    $12,730

Suspect C.......       $4, 009    $16,234     $24,334

                             $51,038    $49,610    $47,300

            TOTAL:    $147,948

Very interesting! Where our Celebrity Investigators were sticking with their previous choices, look at that swing from Stage 1 to Stage 3 from the viewpoint of our TV audience! And you’ve now given Public Broadcasting a total of 147,948 dollars! Thank you.

Audience applause.

Back to our Pros. Harvey Miller, captain of a fire department for thirty-six years. Captain?

Mr. Miller

It's either A or B. (shot of A and B) In thirty-six years of firefighting, I never heard any guys talk about "sliding the pole fully rigged." That's not firehouse talk. "Fully rigged?" We don't rig! We dress! And we don't slide the pole. We hug the pole, we kiss the pole. At least that's what we say where I'm from. I don't know about Texas. (shot of Suspect C) So it's not C. Either A or B. Yes, there are some new firehouses with stairs. I'm sorry to say. Some people may not know that. So A possibly because he knew that. (shot of Suspect A) Definitely not C. I’m picking A.

Moderator

Suspect A. OK. That makes one for each! Mary-Ellen Holmes, police detective.

Ms. Holmes

The thing that jumps out at me is the way that Mr. Morgan expresses himself. He makes declarations, but each one is accompanied by a commentary of some sort, and those commentaries carry his feelings about what he's stating. He says:  "My wife hates fishing, I'm sorry to say, -- there's the feeling "I'm sorry to say" -- but she cooks a mean trout filet, my favorite -- there's the feeling about the fish "my favorite". And then: "Last January, while I was ice fishing on the Missouri river, which some people hate but I love,  --there's that personal feeling again So I'm voting for Suspect B (shot of Suspect B) because he said "No, the newer firehouses like ours have stairs. Sorry to disappoint you!"  --there's the feeling -- and to the question about Winnie the Pooh, Suspect B wrote: "Piggie, if I remember correctly. But, its been too long."  --again that feeling that accompanies the statement.  Stylistically, B is a good match. And I think B and Mrs. Morgan look great together! (shot of B and Carl Morgan's wife)

Audience laughter.

Moderator

So we now have 2 Pro votes for Suspect B and one each for Suspects A and C. Cleo Alpert, psychologist.

Ms. Alpert

I can see ways it could be each of them. But I'm going to join the bandwagon for Suspect B (shot of Suspect B). The reason is that in the self-portrait, Mr. Morgan gives us 8 different exact numbers. "45 years old,"  "two girls, ages 12 and 10," "happily married for 13 years," . "a body floating down the river 50 yards away"."I was able to save the life of a six-year-old girl," and "quite a way to spend my one day off!" And the only specific number that I noticed in the Interrogation Stage was B, who said San Antonio was “maybe 100 miles” from the Mexican border. (shot of that handwriting sample) Now, I believe that's true, but, in addition, it's numerically precise. So, for this and a number of reasons, I'm voting for Suspect B.

Moderator

Another vote for B. That's three Pros out of five. And we have one for A and one for C.

Celebrity Investigators, it's now up to you. This is your final selection. Please vote now for the Suspect you have now concluded is the real Carl Morgan. Suspect A (close-up of A) , Suspect B (close-up of B) or Suspect C (close-up of C). T.V. audience, it’s time for you to make your final choice as well.

Audience, let me now reveal that after the show tonight we will draw five phone numbers from among all those belonging to viewers who have called in tonight. Five of you will win…. A Chevy Volt!!! Which has been donated to us by General Motors! That’s right, five Chevy Volts!!! 

Audience applause.

Music. We watch as the Celebrities make their selections and the results appear on our screens as follows.

Investigators    Self-Portrait   Interrogation   Photo Gallery   The Pros 

B. Moyers.....        A......       B……         B……         B

M. Navratilova..    C......       C……         C……         C

S. Shepard......       B.....        A……         A……         B

Moderator

Now, Celebrity Investigators, take your first look at how you all voted in each stage. Bill Moyers, your votes were A-B-B-B. Tell us why, if you would.

Bill Moyers

His answer about San Antonio was the most accurate. His handwriting and oral speech share the most vocabulary. The family resemblance with one of his daughter’s is quite striking. The biggest thing was that Suspect B seemed to me to answer everything in a straightforward fashion just the way he sounded. B looks like a straight ahead guy.

Moderator

Very well thought out, as we would expect of Mr. Moyers! Martina Navratilova, you selected C from the start to the finish. Apparently you were and are convinced. Tell us why.

Lebron James

I had a very strong feeling that the voice on the recording was Suspect C's. And to me, there are several people in the pictures that look a lot like Suspect C also. Once I make up my mind, I’m pretty stubborn…

Moderator

Well, see if you’re stubborn and right! Sam Shepard, you, on the other hand apparently waffled a bit. You went B-A-A and back to B. Why?

Sam Shepard

I was swayed by the experts' testimony. I too noticed the fact that B comments upon his own statements. Plus C was too sloppy to be a veteran fireman which requires discipline and polish. And I think the kids in the picture are a spittin' image of Suspect B. Especially one of the girls. Finally, I think Carl Morgan’s wife looks most pleased to be beside Suspect C, so I chose B.

Audience laughter.

Moderator

Now let’s see how our viewers voted this final time.

(On screen:)

Audience Voting   Self-Portrait Interrogation Photo Gallery The Pros           

Suspect A….      28,043…..    14, 231…    10,236….  8,328           

Suspect B......     18,986…..    19,145….     12,730… 15,236

Suspect C.....       4, 009…..    16,234….     24,334.... 23,111

                          51,038           49,610          47,300    46 ,675 

GRAND TOTAL:    $194,613!!

Moderator

As you see, the viewing audience started out pretty divided between Suspects A and B. But slowly but surely, the pendulum swung all the way to the point where, by the end, Suspect C is totally dominant. With Suspect B in second place and Suspect A trailing badly in third place. And take a look at the dollars you all have given to Public Broadcasting this week! 194, 613 dollars!!!! That makes the total for this year…… (drum roll)…. 3,457,210 dollars!

Audience applause.

Moderator

We thank you.

Moderator

Now, it's time to find out which of our three Suspects is the real Carl Morgan. As always on "P.I. The Quiz Show", we let someone who knows him well reveal the truth on video. Tonight's home video was made by Caroline Kanter, the six-year-old, now seven, whose life was saved by Carl Morgan. Here's Caroline Kanter, seven years old...

Video: Caroline in her bedroom with her father.

Father’s voice

off

Caroline, who are all these posters of on your walls?

Caroline

on screen

My heroes.

Father’s voice

Can you tell us who they are?

1st Poster over Caroline's bed.

Caroline

 Mozart.

Father’s voice

Why?

Caroline

Because I play the piano, and I like to play Mozart.

Father

on screen now

Who's the second one?

Caroline

Barbie Hockey Player.

Father

How come?

Caroline

Because she's beautiful and tough.

Father

And who's that other one over there, Caroline?

Caroline

That's Carl Morgan, he saved my life. And I want to say thank you.

She sits on her father's lap.

Father

We all want to say thank you for saving our beautiful Caroline's life last December.

Caroline

Oh, and by the way, he's Suspect B!

Music. Shot of Suspect B, the real Carl Morgan, back in the studio. Applause.

Moderator

Carl Morgan.

Mr. Morgan

Yes, sir.

Moderator

Thank you for being here.

Mr. Morgan

Thank you. You know, I'm kicking myself for saying that Piggie is Pooh's best friend. I knew that was wrong, but... My girls’ll never let me forget that. 

Moderator

I hope this has been an unforgettable experience in more ways than that.

Mr. Morgan

It sure has.

Moderator

Let's find out how you all did by checking the scoreboard, shall we?

The scoreboard appears as follows.

Investigators  Self-Portrait  Interrogation Photo Gallery The Pros

B. Moyer.......      A........      B........         B…        B

M. Navratilova...  C........      C….....        C…       C

S. Shepard……    B.......       A.......         A…        B

T. Farmer...........................................                     C

M. Grey................................................                   B

H. Miller...............................................                   A

M.-E. Holmes......................................                    B

C. Alpert...............................................                   B           

Moderator

Well, the Pros did pretty well, three out of five chose the real Carl Morgan. As for our Celebrity Investigators, Bill Moyers and Sam Shepard, you both chose Suspect B correctly at the end. Bill Moyers chose B three times. Sam Shepard chose B twice. Martina, you need to learn flexibility!


Audience laughter.

Audience, if you chose Suspect B more than once, then you will be automatically entered into our big drawing. The Five names chosen will win Chevy Volts! We’ll have the names of the winners on our Website, www.piquizshow.com by ten o’clock eastern time tonight. So make sure to check that out before going to bed later on tonight. Good luck!

Thank you, everyone for watching P.I. The Quiz Show. Panelists, thank you. We hope to see you back here again next week. Good-bye for now from KQED!

Musical Theme.